Why Me? Ryan and I went through the Great Life Foundation training together where we bonded like family. http://www.thegreatlifefoundation.org/ I felt a connection to him instantly. He was in my small group and stated “this is life or death for me. I have one last chance to make it work”.
Ryan went through parts 1 and 2 of the training making incredible progress but the day before part 3, he violated probation (alcohol consumption) and was thrown back in jail.
COURT UPDATE 4/1/2010: Today I went to court for Ryan’s sentencing from violations in 2008 the sentencing got moved to the end of May. He looked like he was in great spirits, actually looked right over at me and his other supporters with a huge smile. VERY different than when I went to court for him a few weeks ago.
LETTER 1 from Ryan Allred to bloggers:
God! Where do I begin? How about for starters-Who am I? I am a powerful, passionate, loving man. How about where am I? Here I sit in a 6 x 10 brick cell in Tooele County Jail awaiting my fate, which is in the hands of a judge that I’ve only met once.
My name is Ryan Walter Allred and I am 25 years old and a recovering drug addict. This is a perfect example of what happens when you make certain choices in life that goes against the norms of society or the morals that your parents teach you growing up, or even against that angel on your shoulder thats screaming in your ear to “Do the right thing” -choices-consequences/ choices-consequences/ choices-consequences. There is no escaping the consequences of bad choices in life. What I have learned is that you can certainly run, but you can’t hide forever. One day you will have to face your deamons, no matter how big or small, face to face.
We are all dealt a hand of cards in life, and its how we play that hand that determines the quality of life we choose to live. I was dealt an ugly hand, no doubt, but its how I played that hand that has landed me in jails, rehabs, ugly-ugly situations. And an aching lonley feeling that never seems to go away. All my choice of course.
But do my choies that I have made in the past determine who I am? Good question! From as early as I can remember I’ve always had this feeling, or I’ll say “knowing” deep inside that I was different than everyone else. Maybe not that different but I felt alone, like I was put here on earth and everybody that surrounded me were there just for me. Like a giant test. Of course I didn’t know the word test as a small child but thats the only way I can describe it. I always knew I was being watched by someone greater than whats just in front of our eyes. My family never went to church and I don’t have a religion, so where did this “idea” come from? Is the game of life a big test? If so, who’s playing?
Just think of all the planets and stars, galaxies, organisms, and space. Infinity!! And here we are, just a speck in time. With the ability to think, interact, communicate, replicate, and navigate. For what? Its amazing!! Sometimes scary, sometimes frustrating, sometimes beautiful.
I remember being about 5 or 6 and asking my dad where babys come from. He told me point blank, “you put it in, a seed comes out, yada yada yada! Very blunt. Very honest. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. How were we just a seed and now we’re this? And i remember just breaking down and crying. My mom and dad couldn’t understand it. Why was I crying? I think thats the first time the concept of DEATH sunk into my head.
I remember asking my dad, where do we go when we die? And he said “well…then you’re nothing”. I’m sure you can imagine at that age, hearing that, scared the shit out of me. But something told me that that might not be what happens. But of course the idea of just being dust in the wind never left my mind.
I think thats when I got that lonely feeling in my gut, in my soul, that never seems to go away. That feeling, that “knowing” that I’m on my own on this earth and I’m going to die alone and then be “nothing” Wow! Ive never really sat down and wrote about this feeling and I think this may be the first time its occured to me where that feeling came from.
What a shitty way to exist. For a long time I lived by the rule “we only live once”, or “hey! we could die tomorrow”. Never thinking-just doing, doing, doing. Mainly drugs. Mainly sex. Mainly anything that took my mind off that empty feeling in my gut. Now that I look back, I realize that I’ve spent the majority of my life running. Running from what? or maybe searching. But for what?
